This experience where I am incarcerated for an undetermined amount of time. What does it mean to me? I am assigning myself a one page essay on this subject.
I am afraid to just give up and let the system beat me. I am an optimistic, happy human being, and I am deeply frightened to abandon my happiness and fall victim to the viscous mindset of despair many men fall into while incarcerated. I want to find a way to remain the sincere, vivaciously live individual I’ve always been through this experience. But I won’t lie to you: I am a little afraid of losing the battle of holding onto my sanity, and becoming madmanish inside these correctional institution concrete walls.
CLICK HERE TO READ MY STORY OF HOW THIS NIGHTMARE ADVENTURE BEGAN:
I believe these are mostly irrational, and inappropriate fears and thoughts, but I have noticed my memories of the outside world becoming more distant, intimidating, and frightening, with each passing day. I don’t want to lost my optimism and hope, but I have found a new sobriety and peace which is helping me adapt to life inside these walls. But I don’t know how long I can hold it together. Can I person find long-term peace inside these filthy, decrepit, boring world of incarcerated american society?
I think the reason I am starting to become afraid of returning to the “outside” world is because I have never had true personal peace my whole life. Now, when I think of the outside world, I only remember the difficult moments I had. Memories such as: societal pressures, obligations, deadlines, expectations flood my already complicated mind when I remember the “pressure-cooker” of the outside world. I don’t remember having much time to find personal or spiritual peace. I was so dang busy jumping through so many hoops that other people demanded I jump through that I never had a chance to find the hoops I wanted to jump through.
The day I discovered controlled substances (drugs) was the day that I made life bearable for myself, because I felt like I was finally able to explore thoughts and feelings I wanted to explore. I now realize these drugs gave me a false illusionary sense of internal peace that was never real. I became addicted to this fantasy I thought was real.
Probably what I needed most was some free time to relax, meditate, and explore the true reasons for my life and everything I was doing.
For me, this time and experience I am incarcerated, means that I have an extra-ordinary opportunity to deeply evaluate my life and find the peace that has always evaded my grasp.
CLICK HERE TO READ WHERE I AM TODAY:
