This experience where I am incarcerated for an undetermined amount of time. What does it mean to me? I am assigning myself a one page essay on this subject.
I am afraid to just give up and let the system beat me. I am an optimistic, happy human being, and I am deeply frightened to abandon my happiness and fall victim to the viscous mindset of despair many men fall into while incarcerated. I want to find a way to remain the sincere, vivaciously live individual I’ve always been through this experience. But I won’t lie to you: I am a little afraid of losing the battle of holding onto my sanity, and becoming madmanish inside these correctional institution concrete walls.
I believe these are mostly irrational, and inappropriate fears and thoughts, but I have noticed my memories of the outside world becoming more distant, intimidating, and frightening, with each passing day. I don’t want to lost my optimism and hope, but I have found a new sobriety and peace which is helping me adapt to life inside these walls. But I don’t know how long I can hold it together. Can I person find long-term peace inside these filthy, decrepit, boring world of incarcerated american society?
I think the reason I am starting to become afraid of returning to the “outside” world is because I have never had true personal peace my whole life. Now, when I think of the outside world, I only remember the difficult moments I had. Memories such as: societal pressures, obligations, deadlines, expectations flood my already complicated mind when I remember the “pressure-cooker” of the outside world. I don’t remember having much time to find personal or spiritual peace. I was so dang busy jumping through so many hoops that other people demanded I jump through that I never had a chance to find the hoops I wanted to jump through.
The day I discovered controlled substances (drugs) was the day that I made life bearable for myself, because I felt like I was finally able to explore thoughts and feelings I wanted to explore. I now realize these drugs gave me a false illusionary sense of internal peace that was never real. I became addicted to this fantasy I thought was real.
Probably what I needed most was some free time to relax, meditate, and explore the true reasons for my life and everything I was doing.
For me, this time and experience I am incarcerated, means that I have an extra-ordinary opportunity to deeply evaluate my life and find the peace that has always evaded my grasp.