Written in Jail 12/25/2002
I need peace! I only want peace out of life! I’m tired. I don’t want anymore involvement with scandalous, scamming, corner-cutting lifestyles anymore. I want to live sober in mind, spirit, and body. I dream of being honest with myself, friends, and the family who continues to surround me. I want to be a loving, caring, humorous, respectable, tactfully-rambunctious, unique cool person. I can imagine myself being this, and I like it.
I promise you I will strive to work hard, but not lose sight of what I feel is important to me. I lost my goals and directions the last few years. I wan t a closer relationship with my “higher power” and faith that he will deliver through these struggles.
I want beautiful children. I want “free time” to work on my gardens, tinker with my never-ending stereo system, and watch the women in my life smile. I want to play soccer with my kids in the front yard, and dance with them to the coolest music on a hot summer night. All I need is peace for myself, and I know I can do this.
In the last few years, I had gotten confused and thought I needed money. I thought I needed a big fancy house, and a high-profile, high-stress, corporate-level career. I believed I needed to compete with people for that 3-figure salary executive job. I pictured my free time as a time to get drunk and high, and act like a childish version of myself. I was on my way to leading a bland, confusing, unfocused life.
Now, refer back to the things I want in the above paragraphs. They are all within my reach, and talent level. Nothing refers to money, greed, or envy! They were all peaceful, fulfilling dreams. Maybe I even want an old, slow, motorcycle I can work on that I can use on weekends.
Picture the free Bill on a weekend. Playing soccer, and dancing with his kids. Tinkering with a stereo and an old motorcycle. Relaxing after a long day working on the projects he loves, and maintaining his beautiful home.
This is the life I dream of. This life sounds awesome! Way better than drugs and alcohol! I want to work hard, and continue on my never-ending quest for knowledge and experience.
All I hope for is peace. I hope I find it eventually.
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