I am awake again: It’s past 2 AM and I am enjoying this Wednesday night alone in the darkness and silence that is known as lock-down every night in jail.
I am lying on my stomach in my bunk, enjoying this nightly lonliness with my four favorite possessions: My notebook. My pencil. My Eraser. And my small styrophome cup that I use over and over again every day, and fill it with strongly caffeinated coffee. This has become my, “happy place” in jail. This has become my “safety spot,” And my “Peaceful Pasture,” where I can think and dream big.
I feel like a baby owl in my bunk perch tonight. I am getting smarter every day, and one day I hope to be extremely wise.
I have gotten into a deep routine where I can stay up late and explore my wandering thoughts, and explore my passion and inspiration to write. I have all the freedom in the world in this moment. I am no longer afraid to be here. In this moment, as I find myself, there is no where I’d rather be.
I am warm, safe, and peaceful. My stomach is full, and my mind is active and exploring places it has never seen before. I am completely satisfied with who I am becoming, and yet I have the ambition to become someone more than I am now. At this moment, I feel like my life is truly awesome. I could be dead. I am grateful to be where I am.
It was Christmas day earlier today. There were little things that made the day bearable, and even somewhat special. We had a hot breakfast: Oatmeal and hard boiled eggs with toast! Chocolate milk even for both lunch and dinner, and even a personal bag of popcorn for an evening snack! These are such small things on Christmas day, but when you’ve been in jail for a few months, even the smallest things feel like massive, meaningful things when they’re introduced into a starved and deprived psyche.
There even was a special church service tonight. It was an emotional, spiritual service for me. It made me smile, pray, rejoice, confess, and even pulled a small tear out of my eye. I felt reborn in that room, as if all of my filthy actions and decisions have been cleansed from me. A musician came in and played songs for us.
I was nervous to be around a guitar at first. I miss music so much and I was afraid it would hurt to hear it again. But once I got into it, it felt relieving and refreshing to hear the guitar, and harmonize with the singer. It made me feel like a musician, something I’ve always wanted to be.
That being said, it’s about 3 AM now, and I am glad Christmas is over. On to the future, and new challenges to overcome.