Written 12/19/02 in jail.
Drugs! I love Drugs! I imagined drugs as a best friend for a long time. I was never scared or intimidated by drugs. Drugs were a natural – energy filled – powerhouse for me. I saw drugs as an exciting, powerful, wonderful substance that could propel a simple human mind into a state of uninhibited spiritual and insightful realm of revelation.
My drug-fueled adventures were intense and meaningful experiences.
I believed I had the power to decipher these meanings and create my own understanding on how a person should live a productive, righteous, and wonderful life. I was only 21 years old, and I thought I understood everything in life. I thought I held all the power of life in the palm of my hand.
Note: When I speak of my drug use, I talk mostly of the reasons, experiences, and spirituality of using. The actual substance was insignificant. I enjoyed the experience and the excitement which was a by-product of the substance. Drugs are extremely powerful, and I believed I was strong and intelligent enough to harness their raw power.
I have used almost every drug. The list includes: marijuana, alcohol, hash, LSD, mushrooms, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, crack, opium, ecstasy; all the designer drugs such as: GHB, DMT, DXM, TC-T7, Foxy, Special K, Fentanyl, and Nitrice Oxide. I have consumed perscription drugs such as ritalin, adderal, dexedrine, kolodapin, soma, oxycotin, morphine, zolaft, codine, vicodin, and percocet.
With Drugs fueling my adventures, I experienced a lot of realness, and also things that may not have been real.
In the end, I have learned that with drugs, comes deceit, and I was deceived by drugs. It is best described by the AA “Big Book” as: Drugs/alcohol – cunning, baffling and powerful.” That is exactly what drug use ended up leading me once the power was gone. They led me into a cunning and baffling place that I did not want to be.
For a long time, I tried to control the power of drugs, but after the power was gone, only the two remaining qualities remained in my brain: a cunning, and baffling power that I no longer want to understand.