Written in Jail 12/20/2002
When I was high on heroin one time, I called and left this voice mail on a friend’s answering machine. In the morning, she delivered the typed transcript to me in an envelope. I don’t know if she did it as a joke, or if she was subtly saying I needed help. Either way, this is what I said when I was high:
“There is a where-wolf clawing at my heart. I can feel it’s presence in me, and I am sacred to admit that my heart is beginning to turn into a ware-wolf’s heart. I don’t know if you know this (long pause/ heavy breathing)… but there is a way to solve this problem (cough, wheeze)… you need to write a chain letter of love… (gag, vomit)…. and send it to the bureau of subsidized housing. The address is 424, and the rest can be found in the snow bank outside of your home. You must do this, and beware of the ware-wolf I am becoming.”
As you can see above, I know first-hand the incoherent, fragmented, thought-process of a… junkie heroin user.
When I wrote the above memory, I felt my body crave and fixate on tasting the pain-killing drug again. My spine tingled, and my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I remember the feeling of the drug seeping into my bloodstream, and my consciousness drifting into a heroin dream. I can vividly recall what I felt like when I spoke the above incoherent statement into the phone. I was itching uncontrollably, and vomiting occasionally from the drug. But in that complete physical mess, I soared high above myself into clouds of warmth and sunshine, and felt like my life and body was the most beautiful thing in the world. I was so high, and everything seemed so pure, clear, and wonderful around me.
The strange thing about Heroin is that when you’re coming down from it, it doesn’t feel nearly as good as when you’re high. It feels sickening, and horrible There is a sickness that follows the incredible high. Part of Heroin’s power is the way you reflect and remember the entire experience on it. You remember how fantastic the opiate high is, and you forget the sickness part.
The truth is, heroin isn’t the best thing in the world. But when you don’t have any, you remember heroin being the absolute best thing you have ever experienced. Don’t tell a junkie that heroin isn’t the greatest thing, because he will refuse to believe you are speaking the truth.
I thought I was too smart for heroin to fool me, but it fooled me like I was the dumbest person ever born.