I am in jail, and going to prison. These are my journals.
I had been in jail since August 25th, 2002, and I wrote this in Jail on, 12/23/2002
I am irritated right now! Our dorm is filled to capacity. There are 22 adult men from very different backgrounds in this cell block with me. We are locked up in a room that should house about 10 grown men, and there is absolutely no way to leave or get out of this nightmare.
It is no wonder why I am irritated right now. We are being forced, against our will, to spend months and years in a room with a constantly locked door. There are a few men I can at least get along with in here. Others I just don’t talk to, and others are some of the most childish, immature, annoying brats that I have ever met. I am being forced to stay inside of this cell block with these freaks, and it is the worst experience I have ever had to endure.
Some of these men I used to be, “friendly” with. We had a mutual respect for each other, our space, and our personalities. We would share the same laughs, and would enjoy the occasional recreational card game together. My mentality when I first started this jail time was, “I’m stuck here doing the time, so I may as well meet the men I am here with, and use them to help me pass the hours of my day.” I have made a few “friendships” while I have been in here, but before long, the time starts to hurt and we all miss our homes and family on the outside.
It doesn’t take long for the majority of inmates attitudes to quickly change on you. Once the stress starts to get to them, they’re not the same friendly, easy-going people that I first met. I suppose the time can be excruciatingly hard when you’re out of work, your family abandons you, and you don’t know where your kids are, and all your left with is an orange jail uniform and all the time in the world to think about how big of a screw up you are. No matter they seem mad at the world sometimes. It all starts by being mad at themselves first. It’s just a natural part of the jail world. Personalities are always clashing, and the guys in here are always getting sick of each other.
I admit, I have been struggling recently. There are a few guys in here that I once considered “friendly, good people.” But after spending weeks and months in here, I am learning that they’re really master manipulators, and I am getting sick of dealing with their annoyances constantly!
In jail, the time is hard for everyone in here, and the families out there. The littlest of things begins to annoy you, and where friendships once existed, those relationships can turn into enemies rather quickly once everyone gets sick of dealing with each other.
There are a few inmates that I used to consider friends, that I simply don’t speak to any more. At one time I enjoyed their company, and now I think they’re the most selfish, immature, crybabies I’ve ever met.
When I started writing this, I was angry and irritated. The cell block was overly loud and chaotic, and I am immersed in a group of men I really don’t like and I can’t do anything about it.
But writing this has helped me refocus my attention. I needed to get away, write, think, and remember this is jail! I am not supposed to like it, and I am learning my lesson as I navigate my way through it.