Before I ever knew I would have to spend ten years in prison for a mistake I had made in college while partying and using drugs – (Read about that INTENSE life story HERE) – before I ever really had a true relationship with God; I had to spend my first date in jail wondering what nightmare visions my future may hold.
I started a journal to confront these fears, and understand my feelings better, and over the 10 years I was incarcerated, I took more than 3,000 pages of notes before I was released back into freedom. I’ve been doing incredibly well since I’ve arrived back into freedom on August 21st, 2012, but my journey began here when I scratched a pencil against my first jailhouse notebook page… Read the first notes I wrote on October 1st, 2002, when I was 21 years old, as I sat in my jail cell and looked ahead into my distant, unknown future….
“This is where I am going to begin my journal, as I lay in my orange jumpsuit, on my double bunk in the Dunn County Jail. The Dunn County Jail is my current residence. I am in bunk #7, in the south dorm cell block. I am furnished with these orange clothes, a notepad and pencil, and a cup of dehydrated cheap coffee which I bought myself from their little jail store. I am sitting with my back against the wall, and down below my bunk, are noisy tables of fellow inmates shuffling decks of cards, preparing to play the next endless game of cards to pass this strange time. There are a few other guys standing in the corner of my cell area, telling stories about their lives on the streets, laughing dirty, reflective laughs, like you hear all day in jail. I’ve been in here for a few weeks now, and I do laugh a lot in here, more than you’d expect, and I socialize with these strange people I am stuck living with.
Being in here right now, I have a lot to think about, and this is the hardest thing about being in jail, and not knowing when I’ll get out and get to go home…
I have no idea what the consequences will be. I suppose I will go to trial eventually and figure it all out, but for now, I have no idea who, or where I will be in six months. Will I be in prison by then? Jail? Probation? Treatment? I have no idea, and I can’t even guess. Right now, these are the horrible scenarios I have to think about all day while I am playing these strange card games, with these strange people. Some day I hope to look back on this period of life and find answers to all of these questions I am asking right now, and I have a gut feeling that even though every minute in here drags like an eternity, that I will eventually, persevere through it, and be looking back on this period faster than I can believe right now….
I am currently incarcerated because a friend of mine died of a drug overdose, and I was there, using the same drugs on one ordinary college partying night – it was an accident, a mistake in my judgement, but I was involved in it, and here I am, being held responsible for it. At least I am alive. I think I have discovered the bible and asked Jesus to be my savior, but I am not sure of anything now…. This will all take time to understand, and I want to trust myself first…
I have been charged with several felony drug crimes, and a new judge has been issued my case. I have not appeared in front of him yet, but I hope he realizes this is a tragedy and an accident, and why destroy two promising lives? Really, what good would prison do me? We will see what happens….
I do believe God has a plan for me. I am now starting to think that Satan does exist, and he had convinced me to use the drugs which really affected my mind into thinking what we were doing wasn’t that big of a deal. I do realize that maybe God had to hit me this hard to loosens Satan’s grip on me. I wonder if this wouldn’t have happened, would I be the next one to accidentally die?
Before this happened, I had a reputation of being invincible by my friends, and I started to live that reputation out without fear. I never thought this could happen to me, but in one bad night a few weeks ago, everything went wrong and here I am.
I don’t wish hatred on the “friends” who testified against me, but I do wish for mercy upon myself. I made a mistake, and some bad things happened to me and others. I am not a bad person, and I hope I can show that eventually.
The “guys” telling stories around me just got up and said that they don’t believe I will go to prison. “First timers, they say, almost never do.” I wish they were my District attorney. I’d sleep alot better then. But since they’re not, I sleep, but I don’t sleep well. I have no idea what my future holds, and I am just sitting here waiting for it to arrive, even if i like it or not.
I received a letter from someone who loves me today, and I can feel them preparing for a longer wait than I think any of us are hoping for. I wonder why I have to bring all of these innocent people through this. I guess this will be the ultimate test on who I am, and make me a little stronger.
The people who love me deserve the best. I wonder where I would end up without their support. I need to treat them the way they deserve to be treated. Being in jail – this isn’t it. I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and hopefully figure more stuff out…..
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