I am a single man, and I won’t lie, I am looking for love. I am not looking for a lingering, superficial fling that leads to nowhere, but instead, I am looking for a wife that will bring the best out of me and who I can share the best moments of my life with. Ultimately, I am looking to fulfill my life purpose, and I need a woman who will be my greatest teammate and confidant during this adventure called life.
In my search for this magical woman, I’ve encountered a problem that I wasn’t expecting when I started my life all over again as a single man.
I’ve fallen in love in the last few months. It’s a mutual feeling that’s developed with this woman that I’ve slowly become friends with. But like love often goes, the emotions I’m experiencing are a lot more complicated than I thought they would be.
Our problem is: Are we just best friends? Or is this a woman a romantic interest?
It’s weird how we meet these special people. Amazingly, she was the first woman I spoke to since I got home to Minnesota five months ago. When I walked into school on the first day I saw her at a table reading a book that I’d read before. She was attractive, and my age, and because I’m a personable single guy and totally unafraid of being myself and enjoying the rush of talking to a beautiful woman, I approached her with a big smile, and asked her how she liked the book. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just thought it would be fun to talk with a beautiful woman and maybe make a friend, and as our conversation took off I sat down and that’s exactly what happened. The conversation was intellectual, and because I was positive and laughing a lot, it made her feel and act the same time. When it was time for class to begin, we made plans to meet again in the same place next week.
A week later I walked into school and sat down at our last meeting spot and looked around. I didn’t see her at first, and wondered if I’d scared her off. I pulled out my computer and started typing, and after a few moments, she walked up from behind me, touched my shoulder, and sat down with a smile. Looking at her, I realized I had made a mistake and felt somewhat embarrassed. She is a woman who knows her fashion and dresses perfectly, and I was in a blue t-shirt and shorts. It wasn’t beauty and the best… but I realized I should have worn something with a collar or buttons. I said hello. She smiled back and said hi. At this time I still didn’t know if she was in a relationship, or had kids, but for me to proceed, I needed to find a way of to figure these things out.
Because of circumstances out of my control, I was out of the dating scene for much of my twenties, and now that I’m back in it I’ve kind of had to recalibrate what I’m looking for in a partner. Last time I dated I was 21, and none of the women I was after had kids. But now that I’m 32, and looking at all the single women my age, none of us have simple stories. A lot of them have kids, and I’ll be honest, that scares me a bit because I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship with kids yet. I’m not against it, I do want kids, I can’t wait to love them, but I think I need to find myself a little more before there’s kids in my life. I’m still searching for me. I’m not ready for a family quite yet.
But love is blind, and when I meet my perfect woman, it will not matter where she’s been, or who she’s bringing with, I’m going to love her 100% into my life.
So I stared across the table looking at this beautiful woman wondering who is she and where did she come from? I asked her name. She said Eva. I asked her, “So are you in a relationship?” She said no. Do you have kids? She said no again. So I asked her, “Why then is a woman like you still single, because I think you’re wonderful?”
She looked at me, thought about it, and then I saw the pain in her eyes and she told me. Like many of us who are re-finding ourselves and searching for a new purpose and trying a new career, or relationship, or outlook, life, our past lives have not been easy or perfect. She was embarrassed by some of her story because life didn’t work out perfectly for her, and I told her there’s nothing to be ashamed of in her life. Jeez, trust me, I know all about mistakes and picking yourself back up and fearlessly trying again.
Her story went something like this… She got into a serious relationship too young, it turned into an unhealthy relationship for a long time, and it finally broke up recently and the feeling that she had as a woman; that she failed, was devastating to her.
I listened closely and told her no, it’s OK. You have nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. You’re healthy and alive, smart and beautiful, and you’re going to have a second chance at life. Don’t be afraid. I’m not.
She nodded, like she knew that already.
She said, “I know. God is helping me through it, and he’s the only man I need right now. I’m not going to be in another relationship with another man until I find myself first.”
When I heard that, I think was the first time I began to fall in love with her. It wasn’t a total romantic love, instead, it was admiration and respect of her strength and determination to rebuild her life the right way. I could feel that her faith was so real. I was confused. I felt a connection to her, but as a friend, sister, and love-interst all at the same time. I liked her more than just a hot body. I wanted to continue taking this journey with her.
Today I don’t know what she is to me. Is she going to be a lover? Or just a best friend because we’ve helped each other through some difficult life moments? She’s not ready, and I’m not ready for more.
I don’t think I’m alone in this search for love. Does anyone have any suggestions or similar experiences?
Part 2 will come soon. This will explain why we’re scared, and why we’re confused with what we’ve become now…. are we potential lovers or just best friends? We don’t know and are trying to figure that out now. We are two different people, but we both love God and finding ourselves with all our hearts.