On the way to my purpose…
I woke up this morning with women on my mind. What I wrote last week was making me think so I’m going to finish the thought with part 2.
I’m still a single guy, and my search for ‘my version’ of a perfectly awesome woman hasn’t been an easy thing. Over the last five months I’ve been privileged to spend time with a few fascinating women whose talents and personalities awe me every time I’m with them, but I’m still wondering, is that perfect one already in my life, or is she still out there?
This morning I decided to get away from this love conundrum and do something simple and fun. So I put my coat on because it’s like ten below in Minnesota today, and I drove to the public library. I go here sometimes because I enjoy scouting the CD racks to find random music I wouldn’t have found by other means.
I’m the type of guy who could live without a TV. As long as there’s a rhythm coming from speakers somewhere, I’m usually enjoying my life. Music carries me through my daily adventures – and as long as I have it to dance to, and think to – contentment and excitement blossoms as a result.
I shuffled into the library and started flipping through the CD racks looking for interesting pictures and titles. I like the library because you’ll never know what you’ll find. It’s sort of a grab bag of everything. I should say I like all types of music…I have a very open mind… I even went to a GWAR concert once… But my personal-interests have changed as I’ve matured and grown mellower. I’ve come to enjoy more progressive, “thinking” type beats and rhythms, the type of stuff you can get lost in, and start dancing to, and have a spiritual epiphany without even realizing the music was there while you had it.
The first CD I stopped at was a Sade album. There was a time in my life when I was immersed in the inner-city culture and all my friends were black. We traded wisdom from our unique perspectives, and I remember the day when I walked into one of their houses and heard Sade on the stereo for the first time. You don’t know love music; especially deep, thinking, love music, until you listen to Sade. I grabbed it, and walked a little further, flipping the cases with my fingers, until I spotted a Norah Jones album. Since her first song in 2002, I’ve always enjoyed the way her piano slowly twinkles, and when she sings, it’s like I’m sitting in a lounge in a different state somewhere reflecting on my life journey after a hard day’s work. I grabbed her also, and then kept cruising to the end of the rack and found some Parliament. The cover had a picture of George Clinton climbing out of a spaceship. I don’t care what you say about me, or what I look like, but I dig the funk. I’m calm and cool, but I need some funk. Gotta have that funk.
As I sat down to listen to the music, I started daydreaming about the different women I’ve met so far, especially the one that I wrote about last week… I said this would be part 2…
I still love her. I know I do. But we’re so far apart as far loving each other romantically and being a couple it’s tough to imagine it right now. She’s in my life for a reason, but maybe not my final reason. Maybe she’s here to be “the one who doesn’t work out,” so when the one who will work out comes I’ll see it clearer. Come on God, show me why this is going on.
She has told me over and over again, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet. I don’t even know who I am yet, and I want to find myself before I commit again. I don’t know how long that will take.”
And I’ve looked at her and said, “I have the opposite problem. I know who I am, but I need more time seeing who else is out there. I just got home. I don’t want to jump at the first woman who makes my heart beat. I want to do this the right way, and be sure, before I stop searching.”
She says she’s afraid to commit because, “In my last serious relationship I made the mistake of thinking it was the man’s job to make me happy, which means I never learned how to be happy on my own. I was wrong in thinking that, and I want to learn how to be happy on my own this time.”
I respond, “I’m afraid to commit because tomorrow I may see the woman of my dreams walk in front of me, and I don’t want to hurt anyone by walking away if that happens…”
And so that’s where my search for love stands…
It’s a work in progress, and I’m trying to do it the right way so that when my opportunity does come, I’ll be ready to grab her, and she’ll grab me, and neither of us will let go or look back because our life is in the future and not in the past.
This is not a love site. This is a journal to share with those of us who seek our life purpose, and since experiencing love is part of that, my thoughts on women and love will pop up here and there until I find what I’m looking for. Those who have found their loves should be grateful, because it’s no fun to be out here looking.
What will I do until she gets here?
Well today I’m going to lean back and listen to Sade, Norah Jones, some Parliment Funkadelic, until hopefully I’ll see her walking past jiving and dancing and listening to the same tune as I am and then I’ll join her and neither of us will ever go back.
Now back to my Life Purpose Quest.