Today as I stare at this screen I am conflicted. Like many people, my past is a mess of mistakes, regrets, consequences, and fights, and such a past is not a life I wish to live or return to. So really, in my current state, I am starting new. It’s almost like a spaceship has dropped onto earth in an entirely new body and I was told – now go, and make a new life out of what you find here. It’s weird because as I look around and survey my new environment, I have knowledge of what earth is, but no idea of how I got here, or where to begin. It’s an entirely new life for me to discover. Who I am? What reality do I want? Where do I fit in? Who are the friends that inspire me? And it’s all up to me to decide where I want to go and what I want to make of my life. My future is up to me, and me only.
Before I describe my hopes for this site, I’m going to take a deep breath, and with fresh air in my lungs, I’m going to contemplate my emotional state. To understand how I got to this point, I must describe an experience in my past that still haunts me to this day. Just thinking about it causes suppressed emotions and anger to rise up in my bones because at the time I was furious. I felt I’d been treated unfairly. I can feel it now as I type… It’s building… This is my first candid post of a moment which greatly impacted my life and view of the world…
Like most disagreements between loved ones, I didn’t mean to offend them at first, I just said the wrong remark at the wrong time, and then the person on the receiving end took it the wrong way and struck back with stronger words to defend themselves. Suddenly everybody was fueled with emotional anger, and then like many misunderstandings between loved ones go, there comes a point when an individual finally hits their breaking point and they explode by expressing every negative thought they’ve ever had about the other person. I felt everything directed at me in one second. The words used to express such emotions aren’t normal words. They’re worse because they cut and slash like razor blades and bayonets. When I saw all the anger this person was holding in for me, I was shocked. I didn’t mean to bring it out. But it happened.
After the argument, I was by myself and I had to decide how I was going to get up and move forward from it. I was in my mid-twenties at the time, and I realized I had a few choices… I knew the way this other person reacted was wrong and totally uncalled for. I wanted to blame them for their problems and hold onto my anger. But I saw that blaming someone for my misery would only make me more angry, and accomplish nothing. I then realized I had another option… I could examine myself which was a piece contributing to the problem, and see how fixing my flaws could help me.
It was a landmark moment for me. I sat there realizing that though it was impossible for me to control another other person, I could always control myself. If I blamed everyone else for all the nasty stuff happening in my life, I’d be no different than a child and I’d never have the opportunity to focus on myself and learn who I really was. It was such an important epiphany. I realized that my feelings and energy are the only thing I can control in this world. How I wanted life to be, was totally up to me. That revelation was the most important thing I’ve ever learned so far, and it’s a piece of knowledge no one will ever be able to take away from me. It’s one of those rare pieces of wisdom a guy can build a good life around, and I have. With the clearest vision one can have in our solar system, I realized that if I could fix this flawed human body I’m in, I would automatically fix every other problem I have in my life.
I’m very emotional right now remembering it. It was so hard when it happened because I was such good friends with that person, and then suddenly I was so confused and hurt. I never got to fix that relationship. Life moved on, and fate split us up, and I never saw this person again.. Sometimes life doesn’t have perfect endings, but if you watch closely enough you will see that it leaves perfect lessons to learn from which can guide us to success if you pick yourself up and always try again.
I think this is a good time to say what this site is and what it intends to be:
This page describes the journey of one man pursuing his life purpose, and I want it to be a place where others are encouraged to come and share their adventures toward their life purpose. I love when I’m around people who are living out the truest dreams which were born within us. It is a place where you discover yourself by admitting your not perfect, accepting your uniqueness, and fixing your flaws one by one to remove the barriers which hold us back from our purpose whether we know it or not. The person which emerges from this exploration is you, and only this “fixed” person can lead you to your bliss. I believe we are all fragments of God, and only by accessing this fragment and bringing it out with a fearlessness, can we unleash our personality to change the world.
As I fall asleep tonight, torn with the hurt and joy of remembering this difficult situation, I’m going to always try to point the finger at myself because I am the only thing I can control in this world. If I can fix my problems, then the barriers will be gone, and all that will be left is the journey toward my life purpose. Everyone, please, join me in this adventure. Now let’s have some fun.
Elaine C. says:
December 27, 2012 at 12:19 am
Your depth level is at the deepest end of the pool. Most people do not want to swim there, but as you point out, it is scary but necessary to pass the swimming exam.